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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #98, July/August, 1998. Related articles from this
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A MOTHER'S BATTLE WITH
ANGER A letter to mothers by Ilva Hertzler |
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Dear Moms, To be honest with you, I have had to deal with a lot of anger in my life. I have been critical, harsh, sarcastic, unkind, impatient and selfish in my anger. Sometimes I give the silent treatment. When I get very angry I become exhausted. Sometimes I overeat. I don't like to tell you this about myself. I feel ashamed of all the times that my anger has erupted against those I love. I feel a painful sob in my throat even as I write this. It seems I have wept gallons of tears as I have dealt with attitudes and actions from the past. Questions and repentance pour forth in the same cry. Have you had the same experience? I've had to think a lot about a woman's anger. We women have suffered greatly from the anger of men. I groan and weep with my friends who tell me their stories. Women “get it” from all angles, and it isn't right! But a woman's anger—who can take it? It is a razor, slicing the heart in slivers! It is awesome, horrible and unique to women. Men have their own stories, too. So do children. But get two women angry at each other and there’s no telling what will happen. I am trying to understand this emotion. It is complex; many things feed it and give it energy. I am learning that it is a “signal emotion.” It means something is wrong. There is something underneath the anger that needs attention. There is some desire or goal that is being blocked. I ask myself, “If I weren't feeling angry right now, what would I be feeling?” That sometimes gives me a clue what is going on. In the past I have struggled to find my “voice.” I sometimes have something going on in my heart and don't know what it is or how to express it. I don't have words for it. The struggle of trying to understand what I think and feel causes frustration and anger to rise up in my breast. There are times when I do know what to say, but I am afraid to be honest, even with myself. I may keep it hidden from my husband or significant others. I'm afraid I'll be rejected if I do express myself. I don’t always need to have the last word. I just need to be heard even if I am wrong. How can I ever change and grow unless I know my own “voice?” Anger is also a stage of the grieving process. For a long time I was unaware of some of the losses and grief I was experiencing. I'd have this anger that sprouted up unexpectedly, intensely, time after time. Where did it come from? Finally I'm understanding. Being made in God's image means that I have some longings and desires that God put in me. It's OK to grieve the losses and pain of life. It's not healthy to stay stuck in denial. Being more aware of those things helps me take responsibility and move on to forgiveness and freedom. Relationships in the home and community can also cause anger. We may ask, “What is wrong with me? How come I can't get along with that person?” Maybe I should be asking, “What is wrong with this relationship?” People long ago used to carry a sword around with them. They would use it, then clean it and put it away. They didn’t carry it in their hand all the time, causing others to fear and avoid them. Anger should be like that. Use it wisely and then put it away. If I stay angry all the time, I will be dangerous to everyone around. The Bible says, “Do not sin when you are angry.” I hope we women can learn to handle our anger in ways that won't be so destructive. Learning too, Cassette Tape on Anger |
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