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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #144, March/April,2006. Related articles from this issue:
Jesus Understands Adopted Children
Fathers Cast a Long Shadow

Agnes lived in an Arctic village along a northern sea-coast. Shortly after she turned 15 she became pregnant. Her boyfriend showed no interest in the matter at all. Her parents did not want the responsibility of raising a child and neither did Agnes. What could she do about the coming baby?

Agnes spread the word through her family about the expected baby. A childless aunt who was known in the community as a compassionate and loving woman contacted Agnes’ parents. With the parents’ approval the aunt talked to Agnes, showing an interest in adopting the baby. Agnes knew her aunt wanted a child and would love and care for the little one.

Right on schedule, Agnes gave birth to a beautiful, healthy girl with soft, black hair and big, dark eyes. Her aunt was thrilled with the baby. When Agnes and her baby were ready to leave the hospital, her aunt came and proudly took the little girl home. Agnes felt sad to see the little one go, but she felt greatly relieved to know that her girl would be lovingly cared for and that she would see her growing up.

Custom adoption is a traditional practice among Agnes’ people. The child is given by the biological parent(s) to another family. Typically, the child is given up by a mother who is not living with the child’s father, or by a couple who feel that they cannot care for the child. The child is usually adopted by relatives or close friends who are childless or are looking for a companion for an only child.

Traditionally these adoptions are made “in the custom of the people.” Established community rules and procedures are followed in arranging for the transfer of the child from the biological parent(s) to the adoptive parent(s). Negotiation usually begins before the baby’s birth. In the past there was no official recognition of these adoptions by the government agencies. Only recently have attempts been made to keep accurate records of adoptions.

For many children, as it was for Agnes’ baby, custom or informal adoption has been a good experience. For others it has been unpleasant.

Robert was the fifth child in a large family. When he was four years old he went to live with his aunt and uncle who had a house nearby. He never did know for sure why his parents gave him to his aunt and uncle, other than that they felt the pressure of too many children. Possibly his aunt and uncle, with two children, wanted more in their family.

Robert quickly became the little errand boy. He was made to carry the wood and the water. The two older children soon learned that they could get out of household chores by making Robert do them. Their parents made no move to protect Robert, and soon he took the role of the household slave. In addition, as Robert grew a little older, his birth family began to use him to do many of their household chores and to babysit the younger children.

As Robert grew into his teen years he began to rebel against the unfair treatment. He ran away from home a number of times. He started hanging out with a gang of older boys and soon was into heavy drinking and drug use. Robert became a leader of a gang of teens who were doing a lot of vandalism and gang warfare with other groups of young people.

Today Robert and his wife are working toward healing. The emotional damage done to Robert by being given away is deep. It will take time, determination and help for healing and spiritual maturity.

Not only can custom adoption leave the baby unprotected. It can also overlook the rights and feelings of the mother. This can cause long-lasting emotional damage to the mother.

Jill was sixteen and pregnant. Her boyfriend did not seem to care what she did with the child. So Jill chose a good home for her baby, with a couple she knew would be attentive and loving parents. They were excited and happy about having the baby. They bought a supply of diapers and baby formula, baby clothes and blankets. They even set up an area for the crib and baby things. The long awaited day arrived. Then as Jill went into labour, the biological father’s parents suddenly showed up to say, “If it’s a boy, we want him.”

Even if the expectant mother makes plans to adopt out her baby, the biological father’s family can sometimes interfere. This interference could also come from the girl’s parents, an older brother or other relative. The mother of the baby feels obliged to comply, no matter what she might think about the quality of life for her baby’s future. Those who ask for the baby might be alcoholic, psychotic or have a record of child neglect. The mother may still feel that she cannot refuse.

Often birth mothers seem to have little influence over the future of their children if someone in the family with traditional authority contradicts their wishes. It is important for the birth mother’s emotional and psychological well-being that she be deeply involved in the final decision about her baby.

The needs of the father should also be considered. Often the young man has protective feelings toward the baby. He feels that the baby is part of his flesh and blood and that he has some responsibility for its future. Sadly, the unmarried father is too often ignored. People assume that he is the cause of the problem in the first place, or that he is selfish and does not care. If there is any sense of responsibility and fatherly protection for the baby, ways should be found to involve the father in the baby’s care. In any case he should know what responsibilities the community expects of him.

Here are some suggestions I would have of ways to make the adoptive process more effective.

• · Keep the process as simple as possible.
  
• · Form a group of respected people in each community to screen out unsuitable parents.
  
• · Provide more education on child rearing, family planning and services available for adoptive homes.
  
• · Do not force unwed mothers to give up their children. It is important for their psychological well-being to be able to decide for themselves what to do without undue pressure.
  
• ·Do not allow couples to adopt if they have a history of abusing their own children or adopted children.
  
• ·Do not allow immature women or couples to adopt, especially if they are unstable, have little child-rearing experience or are unable to support a child financially.
  

Jim Minor is a family counsellor and founder of Ishaawin Family Resources Centre in Thunder Bay, Ontario, and author of the booklet Custom Adoption, NYM Ministries, 2005.

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