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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #140, September/October, 2005. Related articles from this issue: |
Shame: It Has to Do With the Eyes A letter to mothers by Ilva Hertzler |
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Dear Mothers, If you are alive, you have felt shame. It seems to be the most human of all emotions and is part of all relationships. It has to do with the eyes. I watched a man speaking with a friend. During the 30-minute visit, he lifted his eyes briefly only one time. It seemed that he was saying, “There is something wrong inside. I don’t want you to see it.” He sat there with his eyes down, and shoulders slumped. His friend tried without success to make eye contact. People blush with shame. They feel that everyone is watching them. It becomes unbearable. Sometimes the eyes will not look down but will instead become cold and icy. They double-dare you to come near. “Don’t get too close to me!” Shame comes from a wounded heart, when there has been great disappointment, grief or loss. Shame reinforces the lies and vows we make to keep from being hurt again. We are created in the image of God. When people who are made in God’s image hurt and wound others made in God’s image, a cycle of responses is put in motion. Lies and ungodly vows are made stronger in our hearts. We don’t live with others very well. We don’t love well. Not long ago I had my own battle with shame and contempt. I served on a team with others who were “obviously” better qualified than I. Did you notice the word “obviously?” I felt small, incompetent, desperate, overwhelmed. Other team members were more important than I was. They certainly would do a better job than I could or would. I would go silent when I was with them. I just didn’t know what to say. When I did say something, it didn’t feel important. For many years I did not feel significant. I longed to have deep relationships with my husband, family and friends. But who would want me? I was just a nobody, I couldn’t express my thoughts. I wasn’t smart. There were many lies I believed about myself. As I look back, I can see where some of the hurts came from and why the shame was there. But now I am also more aware of how I am relating to others because of this shame, because of the lies and vows that have taken root in my heart. I am becoming more aware of who God is and what He designed me to be. I am more aware of the choices I have made, and I am choosing to reject the lies and live in truth. In the past years I have blossomed, and my true God-self has been a blessing to God and others. A friend of mine was dealing with another kind of shame that comes when we have done something wrong. This shame makes us confess our sins and want to do what is right. She was dealing with both kinds of shame. Suddenly a light came on in her heart. She understood that she needed to learn the difference between the two kinds of shame and make the right decisions for each kind. One kind of shame calls for forgiveness; the other kind calls for repentance. We take both kinds of shame to the cross of Jesus Christ, who will bear our shame and our sorrow. As I worked with the ministry team, I was not as victorious over shame as I would have liked. However, I am very thankful that I could recognize what was happening. I am thankful that God brought me to repentance for how I failed to love well and how I didn’t offer my heart to others as I could have. I am also grateful that God used me to work His grace in the lives of those I was with. He is a wonderful and merciful God! Hebrews 12:2 and Isaiah 61:10, Ilva |
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