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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #129,September/October, 2003. Related articles from this issue: |
Taming the "Terrible Two's" by David Hertzler |
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Guess what! The potty book is working again. Sarah loves it. Hopefully some day she will get the message,” read the e-mail message from my daughter. The “potty book” is a little board-book about using the toilet. In the corner is a button which, when pushed, produces the sound of a toilet flushing accompanied by a child’s delighted giggles. Sarah is my first grandchild. These days she is giving ample evidence that she has entered the stage of life often called “the terrible two’s.” Dr. Alan Greene of Stanford University calls this turbulent stage of child development “The First Adolescence.” It is most intense at eighteen to thirty-six months of age. The sweet little sixteen-month-old who will do anything you say suddenly turns into a twenty-month-old whose favourite word is “No.” Frustrating as it can be, this stage is normal. You should worry if your child does not go through it on schedule. At this stage, she is learning faster than she will ever again learn in her life. If you can learn with her, you will both be the better for it. The first year of a child’s life was meant to be “a taste of heaven,” says family counsellor Dr. Clair Schnupp. All the child’s needs were met by care-givers. What pleased you pleased her. Her main struggles are teething and learning to wait patiently to be fed or changed. Gradually, though, sometime after she masters walking, an irresistible urge to make her own choices begins to well up inside of her, says Dr. Greene. This is an exciting development, but the difficulty with her making an inde-pendent choice is that she must disagree with you in order for the choice to be her own.” Every moment of the day provides opportunity for such disagreements: dressing, meal time, play time or bed time. At the heart of every disagreement is the issue of control. The child needs practice in making decisions and learning self-control. She also needs to learn obedience and to submit her will to the control of legitimate authority. Give them practice with choices they can safely make themselves, say the child training experts. Instead of asking them if they want to get dressed (the answer will usually be No, the child’s favourite word), ask if they want to wear the red pants or the blue pants. Other situations are non-negotiable and must be decided by the parent. These situations are frequently where the tantrums kick in. “Consider having a handy response to these situations,” advises Dr. Gayle Peterson, a family therapist specializing in prenatal and family development. “Like, ‘you can cross the street...while holding my hand or you can be carried.’ Count slowly from one to three, indicating she has time to consider her choices... When she predictably screams in response, simply carry her across, explaining calmly, through her protes-tations, that she needs to hold your hand or be carried. She will gradually learn her choices within the context of your rules, if your explanations remain consistent, fully spoken and unemotional.” “Avoid saying No to everything,” says Dr. Schnupp. “Make the rules as simple as possible and teach only a few things at a time. Remember that children forget easily and need frequent reminders.” This is the time of life to establish clear, consistent disciplinary measures. Effective child discipline includes clear instruction and warnings, age-appropriate penalties, and restitution (making things right), all within the context of an affirming relationship between parent and child. A child who does not learn obedience at this stage of life will find it much more difficult later on and will feel neglected by his parents. It’s a stressful time for both parent and child. Develop friendships for long-term support, advises Dr. Peterson. Parental stress hotlines may also be available in your area as a free resource to help you deal with tension. As for the toilet training, your chances of success are better if you don’t rush it. Most children are physically capable before they are emotionally ready. This readiness usually comes at 2½ to 3 years old for girls and about 3 for boys. Stressful as it may be, this time in a child’s development can provide many unparalleled memories to treasure. Dr. Greene is Founder and CEO of drgreene.com, where you can read many helpful articles on child development. Dr. Schnupp is Founder and Director of NYM Ministries, publisher of this newsletter, with contact information and online resources at nymministries.org. Dr. Peterson’s advice can be found at parentsplace.com, search for “terrible twos.” |
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