NYM Ministries: Volcanic Anger (from Today's Native Father #128)

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PRODUCT/RESOURCES INDEX Today's Native Father Archive of Articles Free booklets Marriage/Parenting Tip Calendar of workshops E-mail questions or comments	This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #128, July/August, 2003. Related articles from this issue: The Three Strands of Anger Jesus Teaches Three-Stranded Parenting Helping Children Feel Important
	Volcanic Anger A letter to mothers by Ilva Hertzler
	Dear Mothers, Like most moms, you probably recognize the pattern. You have just “lost it” with your precious child, whom you love more than anything else in this whole wide world? The anger overcame you, and you did and said things you never thought you would. And now you’re filled with self-contempt and remorse: “Will God forgive me?” You never thought you’d be this way. What’s more, you cannot admit to anyone what is going on. Your friends would be shocked. You would be labeled, misunderstood, rejected. You despair, “I have ruined my child for life.” I also have been there. I know what this feels like. We ALL have the capacity to be an angry mother. I’m not here to cast stones. Even if you feel you have never done anything terribly serious, you DO have the ability to damage your children in any area of their lives. Author Julie Ann Barnhill compares angry mothers to volcanos. Few will be the kind that blasts the top off the mountain, turning everything around into a wasteland. Many more will be the kind that merely boils and bubbles. They don’t appear to do any damage, but everyone knows to stay out of their way. I don’t need to remind you that anger, while dangerous, is all too common. But I have found that there is help and hope. Here are some questions that have helped me identify and work on my anger patterns. Would anyone have a hard time believing my story? Do I have any secret things I say and do when no one is looking or listening? How did I express anger before I had children? What usually triggers my anger? What IS a good mother? Is there resentment about something I’ve had to give up to be a “good mother?” What is my greatest fear when I get angry with my children? What are the warning signs? How do I know I am going to blow? Is there something that has helped keep me cool and peaceful? What has changed in my life that would make me get angry more quickly? I have a suggestion. Next time you get angry, think about what happened before, during and after the episode. Try to think about how you were feeling on the inside and what was going on around you on the outside. Write it down and think about how you could respond the next time something like that happens. You are not a puppet on a string. You DO have choices. Here is an example. The children are fussy, arguing and fighting. You are grumpy, hollering at them and angry as a mama bear. The situation is less than calm and happy. Then the phone rings. And you? You answer the phone sweetly, calmly as if nothing is wrong. See? You CAN control yourself! I feel very deeply about this topic of anger. I have had to deal with this myself and I know many moms also feel self-contemptuous and defeated because of what they have done. I will write more about this in my next letter. Keep praying to the Lord. He will help in time of need. There is also help in God’s Word the Bible and in Julie Barnhill’s book She’s Gonna Blow. With compassion, Ilva
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