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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #128, July/August, 2003. Related articles from this issue:
Jesus Teaches Three-Stranded Parenting
Helping Your Child Feel Important
Volcanic Anger

There are many things you can do for your child in the few years that child will be in your home. Some of these may help the child. Others may hurt the child. Still others may not affect the child one way of the other.

You must choose what you will do. Time is precious. Here is a concept to help you choose well.

Think of a rope made of three strands: protection, love and training. Everything that helps your child will fit into one of these three strands. The child whose parents have strengthened all three strands will not quickly break under the pressures of our complex and dangerous world.

Protection
Many parents are not good protectors because they were under-protected or over-protected themselves. Sometimes they had only one parent in their home. They do not know what good protection looks like.

A newborn bear cub spends its first days under the complete protection of its mother. As it learns to use its eyes, ears and legs, it is given limited freedom to roam, climb trees and look for food. During this time the mother is never far away and will defend the cub with her life if necessary. Finally the cub has all the skills necessary for survival. The mother knows when this time has come and chases the cub away to live on its own.

Children’s bodies need protection from physical harm. Children’s minds need protection from ideas that lead to wrong thinking. Children’s emotions need protection from anger, hate and destructive adult desires. Children’s spirits need protection from demonic influences. Parents who protect the child well in one area but leave the doors open to other areas may still lose their child.

Love
This is not simply a good feeling. Love is a set of actions that give the child a strong sense of belonging and worth. Most parents would say that they love their child. But if the child is unable to read love in the parents’ actions as well as words, the child will feel unloved.

A way to test this would be to ask your child, “What did I do today that showed you that I love you?” or “How can you tell that I love you?” Answering this question will help the child think about what love means and learn how to show love to others.

Training
Perhaps a better word is mentoring. It is more than talking, more than directing. It is living in such a way that the child can imitate you and do well in life.

Effective training is a connection with the past. Your family heritage is a set of life skills, values and attitudes that are passed from one generation to the next. If your generation does not live out this heritage, it may be lost to your children. Some of it may be regained through grandparents and other mentors. But if the parents, the child’s primary mentors, fail in their training responsibilities, the child will experience loss.

An important step for a parent who wants to give his child effective training is to deal with the losses of his own past. This may include godly grieving and forgiveness, as well as some retraining and reparenting. This then becomes part of the example you set for your child. The child who sees his parents admitting and coming to terms with their past will be better able to do the same.

This article was inspired by a workshop, “The Role of Mothers and Fathers,” at the NAN suicide prevention workshop hosted by the churches of Thunder Bay, Ontario, in November, 2002. Thanks to facilitator Ken Funk and others who provided helpful insights in this workshop.

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