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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #127, May/June, 2003. Related articles from this issue: |
Scapegoats and Black Sheep |
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One day I was talking with a friend who had been a great help to me several years earlier when I had a bout of depression. I raised a question that had been haunting me for some time. “Does every family need to have a ‘black sheep’ or a ‘prodigal child?’ Must I expect to have one child in my family who will turn out bad?” This question came from seeing so many good families I knew with a “black sheep” among their children. I will never forget the answer my wise, experienced Christian friend gave me. “Black sheep are not born,” he said. “They are formed.” I asked him to explain what he meant. “In many families,” he went on, “one of the children, often one of the middle ones, becomes the family ‘scapegoat.’ This particular child gets blamed for many things that happen, even when they were not the child’s fault. No one comes to the rescue. The child begins to feel rejected and left out and begins to believe that he/she was born a problem child. This creates deep hurt and anger. The child will then begin to act out with negative behaviour. Because the child has little emotional connection with the parents and siblings, this behaviour is misunderstood. Eventually rebellion begins to set in. The child ends up drawing away from the family and family values, even away from God.” As my friend talked, the eyes of my understanding were opened. I began to notice families that had no “black sheep.” I began to seek out the fathers and talk with them. I began to imitate their emotional connections with their children. For me, emotional closeness had been a problem. I identified two reasons for this. It is a problem for men in general, and there were personal issues from my childhood that I needed to work through. As I pondered what these fathers told me, it became clear which of my children was the “scapegoat.” With my new understanding and love for my children and my desire to see each one follow Christ and do well in life, I was powerfully motivated to do whatever it took to connect emotionally with each child. I began to talk more with the “scapegoat” and protect her from the rest of the family, including myself. This protection, combined with her ability to express her feelings to her mother, helped her greatly. She never became a “black sheep.” Today she loves Jesus and she loves her own husband and children. I urge every father to do what I did. If there are unresolved issues in your life hindering your emotional closeness with your children, consider dealing with them now. -By a father who prefers to remain anonymous |
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