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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #125, January/February, 2003. Related articles from this issue:
Adultery in the Bible
Create a Family Internet Agreement
Addicted to E-mail? Not me!

“Now that [my wife] has met people on [the Internet] and started to flirt, I am starting to feel deeply hurt. An unbearable feeling of jealousy is gripping my heart and distracting me from my own daily life. She laughs it off by saying nothing will come of it...it’s only innocent conversation. I can’t help but question, ‘If it is so innocent, why are my feelings so deep?’”

This posting from an online message testifies to a new and growing threat to the stability of marriages: the Internet. According to marriage and family counselor Tim Gardner, Internet infidelity is far more widespread than people realize.

The Big Attraction
Why are Internet relationships so tempting? Author and counselor Willard Harley says part of the attraction is that Internet communication meets two universal needs of men and women. Conversation, especially conversation with a male, ranks among the top two emotional needs for most women. Men, on the other hand, are prone to surf the Net in search of women who will exchange sexual messages.

People get involved in online affairs for the same reasons people have always engaged in extramarital affairs, says Gardner. They are trying to meet needs that are not being met within their marriages.

Complicating the problem are the addictive tendencies brought to the surface by computer technology.

“People often don’t realize they’re addicted until they try to stop,” says author and marriage counselor Gary Oliver. The addiction to illicit relationships on the Net bears a similarity to sexual addictions. Both forms of addiction revolve around fantasy. Both rob a marriage of the spouse’s attention, drain his or her energy, decrease clear com-munication and involve deception of one’s self and one’s spouse.

But It’s Not Physical
According to Gardner, many people in destructive Internet relationships don’t seek counseling because they don’t see anything wrong with what they’re doing. “But I maintain that infidelity begins at the point of a strong emotional connection,” he says. “When someone has a heightened emotional awareness and a sexual longing for somebody other than their mate, it’s bound to have a negative effect on a marriage

The Internet makes infidelity readily accessible. A person no longer has to fear being seen by friends, colleagues or fellow church members. What’s more, the privacy of the Internet inhibits the participants’ capacity to acknowledge and address their problems.

Even if people are being honest, Internet exchanges are a poor barometer for whether a relationship can truly work. “Communication by e-mail is effortless,” Harley explains. “When two people are physically together...communication takes place through what they see. Even when they talk on the telephone, they can hear each other’s tone of voice and vocal expressions. But e-mail is one-dimensional. All you have to worry about are the words them-selves, and even they can be corrected before they go out.”

According to Harley, if the illicit relationship includes elements of addictive behaviour, the first step toward solving the problem is to separate from the source of the addiction. “I tell people to turn off their computers--or drop their Internet connection--for at least six months as a first step.” The next step is to identify what is missing in the marriage and make an effort to fill these gaps in a healthy way.

For marriages already damaged by an Internet affair, the steps to rebuilding will vary based on the strength of the marriage as well as whether the online couple ever actually met each other. In all cases, Harley says, there must be an admission of the problem with confession and forgiveness, plus a system of accountability.

However, the most reliable medicine is prevention. “The best safeguards against infidelity are a close walk with the Lord, intimacy with Christ and a strong marriage characterized by time in the Word together and shared prayer,” says Oliver. “Beyond that, I strongly urge couples to communicate openly, so one partner or the other will be able to sense when there is a disturbance in the relationship.”

Avoid the Electronic Snare
By using common sense and a few technological safeguards, you can avoid the snare of Internet infidelity.

1. Set up your online computer in an open area of your home.
   
2. Don’t cruise the Internet when you are tired, lonely or feeling misunderstood.
   
3. Have a specific destination in mind whenever you go online.
   
4. Turn off the instant message system and utilize parental control tools and filtering software to block so-called adult sites, news groups and certain chat rooms.
   
5. Remove your personal profile from online services to minimize your chances of attracting pornographic e-mail.
   
6. Recognize that conversing with strangers online steals time and energy from your marriage. Limit Internet usage to predetermined tasks, and spend more time with your spouse.
   
7. Talk to a trusted friend about your temptations and failures. Ask that person to hold you accountable.
   
8. If you are overly susceptible to Internet trysts or online pornography, cancel your Internet access.
   

Condensed from “Internet Infidelity” by Randy Frame in Marriage Partnership magazine, Winter, 1997, adapted from an article by John W. Kennedy in Computing Today magazine, January/February 1998. Used by permission.

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