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Children who do not have good emotional attachments will find it hard to express their anger and fear in constructive ways. Attachment, also known as bonding, is built through nurture and care, both physical and emotional. Children who receive this care from birth develop the inner security to deal with their anger and fear. If this care is interrupted by death or desertion of the parents, children are more likely to express their strong feelings in socially unacceptable ways. Parents who foster or adopt children often have the extra challenge of “playing catch-up” with their emotional development.
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For bonding to occur, think of what happens between a healthy mother and her baby. There is eye contact, touch, movement (often rocking), smiles, and carbohydrates or sugar (human milk is sweeter than many other milks).
These five elements that create bonding are also repeated in the bonding of lovers! For children who have not bonded to an adult, or who have had a bond broken, it is important for bonding to be built with a responsible caregiver. Trust and bonding quiet anger.
After a child needs to be given consequences for bad behaviour, a parent can rebuild connection by spending time with the child, incorporating the five parts of bonding. Some helpful questions a parent can discuss with the child during this time are; (1) What happened? (2) What were you feeling before you did that? (3) How did you handle that _____feeling? (4) How did it work out for you? (5) How do you think you might handle it better next time?
Then affirm the child by saying, “I”m proud of you when you can TALK about your feelings instead of acting them out!”
-From When Love is Not Enough, by Nancy L. Thomas.
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Our foster son was having some difficulty handling his anger well. He loves to play computer games. After he threw something while angry, I warned him I would not let him use the computer for a day if he did that again. Later, he did again, so I said, “No computer time for one day.”
A few days later he said, “Mom, keep it up!” I asked him what he meant. He mentioned the penalty of not being able to use the computer if he didn’t handle his anger well. Then he said, “I need that!”
I was quite surprised to receive his blessing! Later in the day I had to follow his advice and give him the same consequence!
-A Canadian foster parent
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To help children whose attachments are poor, try the following activities:
- Allow time for adjustments (Things Take Time).
- Teach them to set goals and chart their progress.
- Be realistic about both their strengths and their weaknesses. Help them accept and deal with their developmental delays.
- Help them learn the relationship between the causes and effects of their behaviours.
- Provide spiritual care to help them develop conscience and feel remorse.
- Learn ways of encouraging them to express their feelings in controlled and constructive ways.
- Talk about the future. Paint word pictures of what you visualize for the child in relationship to you and to others. This gives the child confidence that there is “a place in the family” for him/her.
-Compiled from various sources
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When attachments are disrupted or compromised early in life, children are
at high risk for developing attachment disorders. The following is a partial list
of causes:
- Traumatic prenatal experience (unwanted pregnancies, drug/alcohol exposure, maternal ambivalence/depression, domestic violence)
- Birth trauma
- Chronic illness
- Undiagnosed and/or partial illness (ear infection, colic, etc.)
- Multiple separations and/or placements (hospitalizations, foster care, failed adoptions)
- Family history of mental disorders
- Abuse(physical, sexual, emotional)
- Neglect (physical, emotional)
- Inconsistent or inadequate daycare
-Beatitude House
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