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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #123, September/October, 2002. Related articles from this issue: |
A Safe Place to Express Strong Feelings by Candida Bohnne-Eittreim |
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On September 11, 2001, two hijacked airliners slammed into the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. Another air-liner hit the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. One year later, memories of these events continue to arouse deep feelings. While mature adults have learned to express their feelings about tragedies such as these in responsible ways, many children have not. They need adult help. Starting the day after the attack on the World Trade Center, my boys began fighting fiercely, almost all day, everyday. When I encouraged them to play outside, they kept finding excuses to delay riding their bikes or playing ball. I finally sat them down and asked them if they were afraid to go outside for some reason. At first, they puffed out their small chests and denied any such thing. But I gently pointed out that it’s OK to be scared, that I was. And that being brave was when you did something in spite of feeling scared. After a moment Cameron admitted he was afraid a plane might hit him on purpose. Justin said he was afraid terrorists would come and grab him. I told them both these things were very unlikely to happen, and offered to come outside with them. Within an hour, Jason, a neighbor’s child, came out and slammed Cam off his bike. Talking to the Jason’s Mom, I found that her son was acting out aggressively at school and at home. I asked her if I could try something, to see if it might help. I got the children together, gave them paints and crayons and asked them to draw their idea of what had happened, and express their feelings about terrorism. As they drew, it was very quiet. Too quiet. So I led off with what I would like to do to these thugs myself, how angry I was. Immediately Jason said "Yeah, I want to smash their heads in, set them on fire," and other angry ideas. He told how no one had let him talk about, or had even asked him about, how angry he was. He felt guilty for feeling so violent. It made him feel like a terrorist. At school most discussions seemed oriented towards sad or fearful feelings, or how violence impacts us all. This had led to his hiding a perfectly natural part of this experience, rage. My sons were coming from a different place. Their fighting was like getting ready to be soldiers. They thought that by acting fierce and tough, they could overcome their fear. But they were also very angry that, as Cam said ”the terrorists had ruined everything for us.” He wanted to strike out hard. And like Jason, they both felt it was wrong to have these feelings. Our children need and deserve the freedom to express anger in safe ways. This vicious act impacted them deeply and permanently. As parents, we need to provide them with a safe outlet to release these feelings. In my opinion, school is not the place for this. This is our job, and we must help kids give full vent to all the fear, rage and hurt. It’s not enough to tell them they are safe. It’s not enough to assure them of our love. It requires intense, prolonged parental intervention. Many kids at first may try to deny that they are feeling rage or even anger to any great extent. But they do. If we don’t allow expression of these feelings, depression, acting out and an increase in juvenile crime may well be the result. If your child is having trouble sleeping, eating or paying attention in school, acting out or just not saying much, it’s time to be proactive and find out what they are truly feeling. Much of the younger generation’s problems stem from a feeling of hopelessness and despair. We need to show them nothing is hopeless. There are things being done in a concrete way to help prevent this from happening again. Search out and find concrete examples of the positive things that have come from this tragedy. Give them hope that things WILL get better. We as parents and caregivers have this opportunity to build strong, trusting relationships with our kids. From Children’s Anger: The Aftermath of Terror by Candida Bohnne-Eittreim, ©2002. Used by permission. |
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