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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #122, July/August, 2002. Related articles from this issue:
The Right Shape for Catching Fish
Your Authority as a Parent
Authoritative vs Authoritarian

Dear Moms,

Could you be happy in an unhappy marriage?
What does “happy” mean, anyway?
Probably your marriage, like mine, falls into one of three categories.

(1) Mostly you are happy, and you show it by the way you live.
(2) Mostly you are unhappy, but you cover up by pretending to be happy.
(3) Mostly you are unhappy, and you have stopped pretending that you are.

The #3 marriages will probably seek help or break up. The #1 marriages have their dark times, but they are able to come through the darkness and back into the sunshine again.

The #2 marriages are not good enough to be happy or bad enough to break up. And so they go on and on in a sort of emotional twilight.

I would say that my marriage is “Mostly Happy.” However, there have been enough difficulties to teach me a few things about dealing with unhappiness. Here are some insights that have helped me.

(1) God gave me my husband as a gift. He is not perfect. I am not perfect. He is partly responsible for the state of our marriage. I am partly responsible for the state of our marriage. I don’t deserve perfection. My husband is not all I want. I am not all he wants. But he does not abuse me. So I will be content with God’s gift.

(2) Every long journey leads through storms, or deserts, or mountains. Sometimes these last longer than I want them to. But there will be an end to them, sometime.

(3) I have a spiritual enemy, Satan, who wants to wreck my marriage. If he can’t break us up, he will try to keep us unhappy. I won’t let him beat me. I have within me the power of God, which is stronger than the power of Satan. Go away, Satan. You’re a loser!

(4) I don’t like to suffer. Nobody does. But every picture needs both light and dark areas. I need the dark times to bring out the pattern that completes the picture of my life. My life and my marriage are part of a still bigger picture which only God can see.

(5) I am not alone. I know other wives who are covering up their unhappiness. I will spend time with them, not to gossip about our unhappiness but to encourage each other in the things that can make us happy.

Get the idea? “Happy” is a relative term. Perfect happiness will happen only in heaven. I will never stop wanting it in this life. However, I can learn to live without it. I can learn to wait for it until I find it in heaven. By God’s grace I will learn to wait.

With love and hope,

Ilva

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