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Children need both tenderness and firmness to develop good health in both their will and their spirit. Good balance happens when children receive these from both parents.
Tenderness
- “Mothering”
- Hugging
- Mercy
- Freedom
- Giving
- Personal (heart) involvement
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Firmness
- “Fathering”
- Guidance
- Discipline
- Control
- Strength
- Behavioural (active) involvement
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Too Much Tenderness
If there is too much tenderness and not enough firmness, the child will often be full of contempt and anger. This pattern is often seen in homes of insecure parents who are permissive or possessive, spoil their children, avoid conflicts or try to keep the children dependent on the parents. The child feels guilt for trying to achieve a strong sense of self, and shame for his personal dependence.
Too Much Firmness
If there is too much firmness and not enough tenderness, the child will develop fear and anger. These parents usually have lots of rules, often with severe consequences. But the children do not feel their love. Instead, they feel inadequate and pressured and will do anything for love. They will seek out or make up rules for pleasing others. At the same time, these children usually have shallow convictions. When the authority and the rules change, the child’s behaviour will also change.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Even worse is the parenting style that flipflops back and forth between too much tenderness and too much firmness, achieving the goals of neither. In this chaotic environment the child does not receive either consistent tenderness or consistent firmness. Alcoholic parents often develop this parenting style. Children from this type of home are often filled with a rage which avoids or strikes back at adults.
The Triune God models the balance He wants parents to have. God the Father guides and disciplines us and sets the rules for life. God the Son (Jesus) redeems and rescues us and gave his life for us. God the Holy Spirit helps us from within by giving us wisdom, strength, self-control and comfort.
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