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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #115, May/June, 2001. Related articles from this
issue: |
How your Parenting Style Affects your
Children by David Hertzler |
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OVER MANY YEARS OF WORKING WITH FAMILIES, WE HAVE LEARNED TO RECOGNIZE FIVE STYLES OF PARENTING. TELL US YOUR STYLE, AND WE CAN PREDICT SOME THINGS ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN. Unstable Parenting. These parents are inconsistent and unpredictable. The child never knows what to expect. The child often hears “I’ll decide” or “Go ask your father (mother).” These parents may be warm and inviting one day and cold and distant the next. They know what the child should be but not what parents should be. They give the child more expectation than guidance. The child of unstable parents becomes anxious, fearful and defensive, always on guard, in a state of red alert. Rejecting Parenting. These parents are unable to show genuine love and concern. Their selfishness communicates to the child, “You are a burden. You are just being endured.” The child learns that he is unwanted when the parents do not enjoy talking or listening to him. This child grows up with intense anger, which often shows up in aggressive, irresponsible or attention-seeking behaviour. Possessive Parenting. These parents are emotionally empty and desire the child only for their own personal gratification. In single parent homes, the parent may expect from the child what only a spouse can give. If the child shows signs of rejecting the parent, the parent gets depressed. This parent’s over-protection and lack of trust stunt the growth of the child’s personality. To escape his inner emptiness, the child turns to passive activities such as excessive reading, TV watching or fantasizing. This child is typically a loner. Dutiful Parenting. On the surface, this appears to be a giving and nurturing environ-ment for a child. But these parents give only out of duty. They do it for their own self-protection or image and not for the child’s well-being. When the child fails to find a nurturing environment in his parents’ hearts, he goes looking for it in other places. Instead of encouraging the child’s independence, the parents become still more withdrawn and give even less heart involvement. This kind of parenting often results in depression for the adult child. Warm Parenting. This is the ideal environment that all children want. These parents are mature, know how to give and are not afraid of intimacy. They genuinely enjoy nurturing. These parents have high expectations for their children. Yet they know that they cannot fully protect their children from the painful realities of a fallen world. They are able to find a balance between their ideals and the realities their children must face. You may find it helpful to sit down with another couple and discuss the type of parenting that is taking place in your families. Then you can pray for each other and encourage each other as you both move toward a style which is better for your children. |
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