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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #113, January/February, 2001. Related articles from this issue:
Grandparents in the Bible
Mistakes Grandparents Make
Memories of My Grandfather

Ron is in his mid-40’s and at the peak of his career as an administrator and community leader. He is active in his church. He is fond of his teen-aged son, who is bigger than his father and still growing. He loves his wife, who has needed a lot of medical care in recent years.

Now, in addition to all this, Ron is a grandfather. It’s a new responsibility, and he’s wondering, “What’s my role?”

“The grandparents’ role has been described as a ‘mediated’ role—mediated through their children, the parents of their grandchild,” says family specialist Herbert G. Lingren. The parents usually control access to the grandchild. How well the parents and grandparents get along has a great influence on the grandparents’ relationship with their grandchild.

When these relationships are good, there are significant benefits to the grandparents.

• Satisfaction in knowing that their family line will be continued.
• Opportunity to succeed in a new emotional role, to be better grandparents than they were parents.
• Satisfaction from their grandchildren’s achievements.
• Support, encouragement and companionship from their grandchildren.

The grandchildren also receive important benefits.

• Positive attitudes toward aging.
• Learning of history, cultural values and traditions.
• Learning of life skills that may be of life-long benefit.
• Support, encouragement and companionship from the grandparents.

Freed from the pressures of discipline and material support, grandparents can often attain a quality of friendship with their grandchildren that is difficult for parents to achieve.

However, when the parents drop out of the picture, the whole equation changes. Many grandparents have become what U.S. News and World Report called “The Silent Saviors.” Due to death or desertion of the grandchild’s parents, many grandparents are compelled to become the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. This comes at a time when the grandparents may be facing typical mid-life issues of their own, such as career change, bankruptcy, divorce, widowhood, remarriage, health problems or depression. Even with the experience of raising their own children, grandparents often feel poorly equipped to start the parenting cycle over again. Age is taking its toll on their alertness and physical stamina. Resentment toward their children or their circumstances may further erode their feelings of competence as parents. The temptation may be strong to make the grandchildren merely “hewers of wood and drawers of water.” Is it a wonder that so many children raised by their grandparents report feeling neglected, enslaved or abused!

Under these conditions, the children lose twice. Not only do they lose their parents. They also lose ideal relationships with grandparents. These disruptions to children’s well-being make it more difficult for them when they become parents.

An exception to this is when a young unmarried mother remains in her parents’ home and keeps working on improving relationships with them. This is a demanding role for the grand-parents, who may have to serve as primary caregivers for the grandchild. But it has been found to yield positive benefits at times.

Before their children are born, parents should plan for effective grandparenting of their children. They should discuss these plans with the prospective grandparents, agreeing on discipline, babysitting services and other essentials. When they live far apart, they should look for ways to overcome the barrier of distance.

Children need parents and grandparents. It is difficult, if not impossible, for one couple to serve effectively as both.