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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #111, September/October, 2000. Related articles from this issue: |
You're Not Listening! Turn Down the
Noise by David Hertzler |
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A friend was telling about a conference he had attended. “I was talking to the conference speaker. He pointed to the attendees, many of whom were women. ‘See all those women. Most of them are here because their husbands don’t listen when they have something to say.’” Wives and children love men who listen. The women at this conference were expressing the universal need of the human heart to be really listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood. Why is it so hard for men to listen to the voices and hearts of those they love? We were born with the ability to hear. The ability to listen must be learned as it is taught and modeled by others Many of us had dads who never really learned to listen and so were unable to teach or model listening skills. Fortunately, we never get too old to learn. In this issue of Today’s Native Father are several short lessons and exercises which can help you develop your listening skills and strengthen your family relationships. TURN DOWN THE NOISE We live in a noisy world. Sure, we get used to it. But noise still confuses and distracts both the speaker and the listener. Four kinds of noise will fight for your attention. Physical distractions. TV and radio are one-way media. They always speak but never listen. But they have an OFF button. Use it. Prove to your wife and children that they are more important than the programming on the airwaves. Children can be noisy too. But when they have something truly important to say, they will often whisper it in your ear, if you are willing to listen. The demanding voice of your schedule. A sure way to turn off conversation is to keep glancing at your watch. If you have a prior commitment and absolutely must go, agree on a time to finish the conversation. Don’t buy the old quality time argument. When your wife or children need quantity time, nothing else will serve. Your own prejudged perceptions. Turn off sympathy, which says, “I feel the same way you do.” Turn on empathy, which says, “I want to understand how you feel.” Even if what you are hearing is incredibly wrong or mixed up, be patient and let your loved one say it. If what you are hearing makes you angry, remember James 1:19: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). Your own speech preparations. Think about what your loved one is saying, not about what you are going to say afterward. If you begin your speech before the other is finished, you may cut short what the other is saying and miss something very important. Adapted from The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers by Dr. Kenneth Canfield, Tyndale House Publishers, 1992. We highly recommend this book, which contains a chapter on Active Listening. Request it from NYM Ministries (contact information on back page) or from your local Christian bookstore. |
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