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This article is from Today's
Native Father, issue #103, May/June, 1999. Related articles from this
issue: |
Mothers and
Daughters A letter to mothers by Ilva Hertzler |
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Dear Moms, Mothers and daughters! Both female, both unique! We each have a mother somewhere. Her imprint is in our bones. This relationship is complex and influences our lives. Both of us see the events that shaped our relationship from our own eyes, our own viewpoint. We have our own impressions and memories soaked with emotions. I am privileged to have two mother-daughter relationships. My own mother and daughter are still on this earth. As I look back, I see joy and pain mingling in the stream of life. Our relationships have changed as we have gotten older. We have “discovered” each other over and over again. We enjoy the benefits of mutual love and respect. I’ve seen my daughter blossom in her own womanhood that makes me marvel and rejoice. How did this link with your mother flavour your womanhood? Are you happy being a woman? Do you feel comfortable with your gender? What is your daughter seeing in you? What is she absorbing into her own soul? Sometimes I meet a mother, and I am filled with deep sadness at the ways she has abused her daughter. She may have accused her young daughter falsely of sexual misconduct, or actually assisted in the sexual abuse as a “non-offending” abuser. Her own life-style may have given unspoken negative messages about femininity, womanhood, character, self-respect and godliness. I have heard young girls weep about their sexual abuse which happened at a party. They woke up from a drunk and found out they had been abused. The abuse was “not their fault.” But what made them engage in risk-taking behaviours? What did they believe about their womanhood that took them to such a place, and where did they learn these beliefs? As mothers we cannot fully guarantee that our daughters will never be either victims or abusers. But we can begin examining our own beliefs and images about our womanhood that we are passing on to our daughters. I love watching young mothers around me who model respect and enjoyment for who they are and how God made them. I see their daughters (and sons) “living it out” in their own development. I think more is “caught than taught.” Who is writing the script for your daughter to tell her how to act as a woman? TV, magazines, fashion, Barbie dolls, peer groups? What is she learning about her body, privacy, giving/taking touch, modesty, appropriate personal boundaries, her biological rhythms and sex drives. What defines her worth? What about values, morality and her “voice”? Who wrote your script? What do you remember about becoming aware of your sexuality? Do you remember your first menstrual cycle? How did your mom connect to all this? Were the boundaries in your childhood home well defined? How were your personal boundaries violated or respected? What was your parents’ marriage like? Do you know how your body is made and how it operates? I am not taking away the father’s responsibility to his daughter, but I do believe we moms have an awesome responsibility and privilege to give our daughters a healthy and godly example. I believe there is much we can do to give our daughters positive, fun and healthy ways of living out their femininity. As we look at ourselves and what has happened to us, and our responses, then we can better understand how to love our daughters and teach new and fulfilling ways of living. What a reward! Let’s learn from each other. Ilva |
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