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This article is from Today's Native Father, issue #101, January/February, 1999. Related articles from this issue:
Parents of the Adolescent
When Father Isn't There
Making Each Child Feel Special

Fathering is a process! Once you become a father, you remain a father until the day you die. As children grow and develop, so fathers also grow and develop in relation to the new situations, needs and demands of their children. The stages described below below provide a framework to encourage you to think about your fathering.

Stage 1: Attachment (0-1 Years)
From the moment your first child is conceived, you will begin to bond with your son or daughter. Your focus in life changes and you leave behind old routines, lose some sleep and gain a new purpose.

Stage 2: Idealism (2-6 Years)
In this stage you have young, quickly growing children. Their needs are physical, yet the seeds of a future relationship are being planted. During this stage you set your ideals and establish priorities for your fathering commitment and tasks.

Stage 3: Understanding (7-12 Years)
This stage begins with the children's readiness for learn-ing outside of the home. You started their education in the home. Now they are ready for the more structured environment of school, clubs and sports. You will want to be involved in these activities as much as you can. Still, you will lose some control over what is influencing the children. Your relationship with them is becoming more complicated.

Stage 4: Enlightenment (13-18 Years)
This is probably the most difficult stage. You may be going through your own mid-life transition at the same time your children are going through puberty. Their rapid sexual development and peer involvement make it hard for you to communicate.This will likely be the least satisfying time of your life as a father. However, by active listening and involvement you can help the children, and yourself, get through this turbulent period.

Stage 5: Reflection (19-24 Years)
Your young adult children leave home for college, work or marriage. You don't see much of them any more. You have more time to reflect on how you did as a father and evaluate your fathering. Amazingly, as the children become more independent they are often more open to advice and help from you. This gives you opportunity to pitch in and help them get established.

Stage 6: Generativity
In this stage you watch to see what kind of contribution your adult children will make to their world. You observe how they parent your grandchildren.You think a lot about how your fathering is affecting future generations. This can be a time of dealing with unresolved conflicts and emotional issues between you and your children.

This is a general picture. Your own life cycle may look different. Your temperament, culture, education, religion, childhood experiences and age at marriage will affect how and when you move into each stage. Understanding where you are in the life cycle can help guide your change and growth. Your children are changing, and so must your fathering goals and practices. Fathering cannot be reduced to a specific set of rules or formulas. It is rather a venture of faith.

As you turn your heart toward your children you will gain their respect and admiration. Fathering is not merely raising your own children but shaping future fathers and mothers,the parents and leaders of generations to come.

For more information on how you can strengthen your fathering, call or write the National Center for Fathering, PO Box 413888, Kansas City, MO 64141, 800-593-DADS(3237) or www.Fathers.com.

Used by permission of the National Center for Fathering.

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