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Today's Native Father
Issue #146

In this issue . . .
   Words That Wound
   Death Words/Life Words
   Open Ears, Open Heart

Words That Wound
by David Hertzler

His wife had already forgiven him for that relationship. But the counsellor could see that she was feeling hurt now. Her face got more unhappy all the time. After the story was over, it took a lot of talking about other things to cheer her up.

Uh-oh!

You’ve been there, haven’t you! You didn’t want to hurt your wife, but before you knew it the words slipped out.

Why are women so touchy, some men ask. Why can’t they be “like us?”

Be honest. When you married her, you admired her “sensitivity.” Now she’s “touchy!” Who has changed?

Marriage is a life-long sensitivity training course. You don’t graduate until you leave this life. You keep learning what hurts and what doesn’t. The course is full of surprises.

You already know some of these hurtful words:

• Words that express anger or impatience.
  
• Admiring qualities in other women that your wife does not have.
  
• Correcting her in public. Making jokes about her that tell of some-thing you wish you could change in her.
  
• Nagging her with such com-plaints as “You are always late” or “You never help me.”
  
• Making light of your wife’s opinions.
  
• Hurrying her through big decisions that she needs more time to think about.
  

But did you know that the words you don’t say can hurt just as much?

• Failing to notice when your wife makes special efforts to please you; letting those efforts pass without showing appreciation or praising her.
  
• Refusing to be a spiritual leader and talk to her about spiritual things.
  
• Letting other persons or things take first place in your life.
  
• Taking sides with the children because you think she is too strict with her discipline.
  
• Neglecting or forgetting the issues that you have discussed and decided together.
  

Maybe you learned the school ground chant, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” If you still believe this, you can expect trouble in your marriage. You know how small scratches and cuts can get infected and turn into deep wounds. The same thing can happen as a result of words that seem small. The Bible says that a person with a wounded spirit is harder to live with than a person who has a physical problem (Proverbs 18:14).

So, as a husband you have two challenges. First, you need to learn to avoid words that wound. Second, you need to help your wife on a healing path for the wounds that have already happened. It’s a big job. But the joy that this will bring to your marriage makes it worth the effort. (

The solution to death words is not to keep silent but to replace them with life words. Read the scriptures below and reflect on the questions.

Proverbs 15:1. What kinds of words make you angry when you hear them? How can you stop yourself from using the same kinds of words with other people?

Proverbs 16:24. What kinds of words make you feel good when you hear them? How can you learn to use words like these to make other people feel good?

Proverbs 7:5. Why can a little flattery or seduction hurt so much?

Proverbs 17:27-28. Does “more is better” always apply to the words you use? Can you think of times when you wish you had said less? Think how much Jesus said with less than 1500 words in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7). See also Ecclesiastes 5:2.

Proverbs 18:8. How has gossip hurt you? How have you hurt others with gossip?

Proverbs 23:12. Is it true that you are what you listen to? Most people use words the way they hear others use them. Who could you listen to in order to learn to use “life words?”

Isaiah 32:7. Have you ever been “destroyed” by someone’s lie? Have you ever “destroyed” others with lies?

Ecclesiastes 7:21-22. How do you decide when to pay attention to the critical things people say about you?

Malachi 2:17. What kinds of words does God get tired of hearing from you?

Isaiah 51:16. Do you think God could put His words in your mouth? What words of life would you like to be able to give to your family?

Job 4:3-4. Start a list of things that you could say to support and strengthen your family and other people.

Not many women lack for words. Most of us love to talk and find all kinds of ways to make it happen.

But even if you can talk a lot, does this mean that you really have a voice?

I’ve met many women who have lost their voice. Many women, for whatever reason, do not know what they think or feel. At least that is what they first tell me. They are unable to put words to emotions or appropriate responses to events and memories in life. Some women get bogged down in these emotions and events. Others sail merrily over them, not seeming to care. “Sure, there have been hard times, but everybody has those, so we just go on with a tra-la-la.”

Let me see if I can give an example. If you were a little girl who came running home to her mom, wondering what the word S-E-X meant, and you got slapped for asking, would you have asked again? If you were the youngest of twelve siblings, and you were always considered too little to have an opinion about anything, would you voice opinions today? If you cried out.”No! Stop it!” when you were being molested, and nobody listened, is your voice today buried under tons of rage, shame and guilt? If you cried, “Daddy, Daddy!” but there was no daddy, would you keep crying?

But we do keep on. We keep talking. We just don’t listen to ourselves or to our hearts. Can you stop a moment and draw a heart. Now write a “V” for voice down at the very tip of the heart. That “V” symbolizes all the things that you have been saying all these years. You have been stuffing them wa-a-a-ay down there. Now your heart is like a red balloon, ready to burst. Still, you stuff more feelings, more words in there. You should at least acknowledge them, but permission has not been granted. By whom? By you.

You say things like, “They aren’t that important. What do you mean, I can say them? People shouldn’t talk about things like that.” Pretty soon you have no idea what is down there in the bottom of your heart. What is keeping that voice quiet? Anger, grief, fear, shame, denial and pride silence your voice.

If I could sit with you while you drew your heart, I would explain to you how we do express what is in our hearts by the way we live. If the “V” isn’t spoken, it will be acted. We act out our feelings in destructive life styles: drinking, sexual promiscuity, drugs, depression and many other ways. We are speaking through our actions, but we are not paying attention to what we are saying to ourselves, to those around us or to God.

Psalm 139:4 says, “There is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.” God knows and hears that “V” and He wants you to know it, too. If you are speaking lies to yourself, He wants you to hear the truth. How will you know the difference between lies and the truth?

Jesus, the Living Word, is the Truth. He said, “If you hold to my teaching...you will know the Truth and the Truth will set you free” (John 8:31B32 NIV).

I have experienced this freedom. I continue to experience it. The written and living Word of God is powerful, gentle, freeing, liberating. My heart has been opened and my words continue to pour out to Him. I am becoming more real, more honest and more open with my Lord, with my husband and with others around me. I am even more honest with myself.

The truth may be hard to face. It may make you miserable. But the freedom it gives is worth the pain.

With open ears and heart,

Ilva