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A lesson from "Healing a Marriage" (NYM Family Studies, 1989)

All marriages have problems. However, most husbands and wives really do want to get along. Most of the time problems are worked out and the marriage is strengthened.

But sometimes, even though they want to solve their problems, couples are confused and don't know what to do to solve their problems, and as a result their marriage has been hurt and eventually wounded.

The first step in healing a marriage is to try to understand what the real problems are and where they began.

Broken Communication

Almost always, problems in marriage include a breakdown in communication. An
earlier lesson (Dealing With Everyday Problems) discussed good communication and showed how to maintain good communication. That lesson identified suspicion, jealousy, anger and lack of forgiveness as common problems that most marriages must deal with.

Then the lesson showed how confession and forgiveness are God's way of solving daily problems in marriage and are the path to good growth.

But what happens when everyday problems are not dealt with as they should be? What happens when communication does break down and stays that way for a period of time?

When problems in marriage are not dealt with properly, feelings are hurt.

Window to Life: Forgive and Forget One day a young couple went to see a marriage counsellor. As they talked for a while, the man began to talk about a relationship he had with another woman. He talked about it in detail and seemed to enjoy telling about it. It was supposed to have been forgiven, but it was obvious to the counsellor that, as the husband talked on about it, the wife was feeling hurt. Her face got more unhappy all the time. After the story was over, it took quite a while to cheer her up. The counsellor helped the husband see how this hurt his wife and that forgiven wrongs should not be talked about.

Hurt Feelings

Sometimes husbands and wives become unable to share inner feelings and the inner feelings turn bad. These bad inner feelings begin to come out in words and actions that hurt the other partner in the marriage.

How a Wife's Feelings Are Hurt

Here are some ways a husband can hurt his wife's feelings:

1. By letting other persons or things take first place in his life. A wife needs to feel special. She is hurt when someone or something else takes her special place (even previous experiences and people).

2. By being angry, irritable and impatient with his wife.

3. By not noticing when his wife makes special efforts to please him; by letting those effort pass without showing appreciation and praising her.

4. By comparing his wife with other women; by admiring qualities or good points in other women that his wife does not have.

5. By not being his wife's spiritual leader; by not showing and interest in her spiritual growth and guiding her in that growth.

6. By not accepting his wife's opinions as being important; by judging her opinions to be worth little because he thinks his are better.

7. By not standing firm for the convictions of right and wrong which he and his wife have agreed upon.

8. By hurrying his wife through big changes in their lives. A wife needs to share in the decision-making. She needs time to adjust to change.

9. By taking sides with the children in discipline because he thinks she is too strict.

10. By publicly correcting her; by using jokes or harsh comments about his wife that tell about something that he is trying to change in her.

11. By nagging, saying such things as: "You never help me;" "You are never ready;" "You always look a mess."

How a Husband's Feelings are Hurt

Here are some ways a wife can wound her husband's feelings:

1. By taking an authoritative position (being bossy) over her husband. This attitude can be shown in other ways besides saying a direct "No." Not looking into her husband's eyes, being full of sighs and general complaints, are some ways.

2. By being angry, irritable and impatient.

3. By not trusting her husband in his decisions, showing disapproval and saying, "I told you so," when he fails.

4. By failing to understand and adapt to her husband's wishes or priorities.

5. By keeping personal feelings inside and not sharing her feelings with him, making him feel rejected.

6. By avoiding sexual intimacy as though it were bad or dirty, or implying that her husband is only occupied with sex for desiring her.

7. By not forgiving her husband for past mistakes; by using those mistakes to convince him that he should listen to her.

8. By not building respect and loyalty in the children for their father; by complaining about things he hasn't done; by complaining about his decisions.

9. By not being thankful; by expecting special things from him and not being truly appreciative when he provides those special things.

10. By taking sides with the children in discipline because she thinks his punishment is too strict.

11. By correcting him in public; by using jokes or harsh comments that tell about something she is trying to change in him.

12. By nagging, saying things as: "You never talk;" "I must do all the work;" or "You never put anything away."

13. By speaking to him as if he were a disobedient child.

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