Breaking the Cycle-Part 5

Family violence tends to run in cycles, or stages. The Violence Cycle goes through three stages that have been identified as the tension-building stage, the violent event, and the honeymoon stage.

In the tension-building stage, (See diagram on next page)there is emotional and psychological abuse. Most of these activities are not considered illegal. Many people don't recognize them as a build-up to violence. These tension-building abuses start small and build up. Pressure builds up slowly. Stress begins to take its toll. Little irritations seem bigger. Anger increases, but often so slowly that the participants are not aware of it. Feelings are expressed with complaining, blaming, name-calling, swearing, put-downs or threats. Or the family head may control his family by holding back their money or not allowing them to go places.

When the pressure gets too great to hold back, or when an inciting event happens, there is an explosion. This is the second stage, the violent event. What happens at this stage is usually illegal. It is at this point that charges could be laid and the law could step in.

The violent event may be a beating that ends in black eyes. It may be pinching, burning, stabbing, hair-pulling, or other action intended to inflict injury. Or it may be an assault on personal property or pets which sends the message, "Next time it could be you."

After the explosion releases the pressure, the honeymoon stage kicks in. The abuser is often sorry for what he has done. He apologizes and may ask for forgiveness. He determines to change his behaviour. He may offer gifts and kind deeds. For a while it may look as if he really has changed.

But if he has not dealt with his inner issues that started the cycle, then nothing has really changed. As the honeymoon wears off, stress begins to wear on him again, and the next tension- building stage begins. As the cycle repeats, the tension-building stages get longer, the honeymoon stages get shorter and the violent events tend to become more severe. And the cycle will repeat for most abusers until they get help.