Breaking the Cycle-Part 4

Abusers are usually not monsters. Most often they are people who are loved and trusted. When they are not violent, they may be the nicest people you could ever meet.

Nine-year-old Susie was visiting her aunt and uncle. While everyone else was busy in the kitchen, Susie and her uncle were watching TV. Her uncle was tickling her. Then he began to feel up under her clothes. He had done this before and always told her to keep it a secret.

There are many reasons why people don't "blow the whistle" on family violence and other abuse.

1. Dependency. Women, children and elders may be dependent on the abuser for the necessities of life. Without the abuser, their lives could be more difficult than with the abuse. Close-knit extended families may cover up for the abuser because they feel that the exposure of one member threatens the whole family.

2. Powerlessness. Children and elders may not have the power to escape the abuse. Language and cultural or geogra phic barriers may isolate victims from help. Sometimes the community is unable to provide protection for victims. Or victims may be unaware of service agencies and other help that is available.

3. Shame. An abuser often leads his victims to believe that what happened was their fault. They turn to a shame-based style of life which may be abusive to themselves and others.

Sharon was a student at a boarding school. When the time came for the students to go home, a counsellor told Sharon that she wasn't going home because her parents didn't want her. Sharon felt worthless and ashamed, like dirt and scum. She began to see herself as ugly and to neglect her personal appearance. She began to hate her family and everybody around her. When she finally got out of school, she turned to alcohol to drown her feelings.

4. Hope. Even in violent homes, people may enjoy some good times together. Victims may feel that it's better to suffer than to be separated from loved ones. They keep hoping for improvement.

If you are one who hopes in this way, you need to learn about the Violence Cycle. You need to be aware that without help, violence usually gets worse.