Breaking the Cycle-Part 2

In November, 1996, CBC Radio broadcast the news of a parent who murdered his child who was ill with cystic fibrosis, then committed suicide. Everyone who knew this parent was shocked that he would do such a thing. However, other parents who had children with the same disease testified how stressful it was to care for such a child.

Violence often grows out of one of these emotional pressures:

1. Stress. Although our life expectency is greater than ever before, we have more stress. Modern technology makes work easier but adds to the stress of life. The No. 1 cause of stress is the same as it has always been—strained relationships. If you do not learn to manage stress, you are a prime candidate to become violent.

2. Anger and Hostility. Everyone gets hurt in life, somewhere, in some way. It is natural to respond with anger. Anger that flares up quickly and dies down just as quickly is usually not a problem.

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, "Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment" (The words of Jesus in Matthew 5:21, 22 NIV). Violence comes mostly from anger that is held inside until it turns to bitterness. This is the kind of anger that Jesus was talking about in Matthew 5:22.

3. A Need for Power and Control. Everyone has this need. There are healthy ways to be strong and stay in control. A violent person has not learned these ways. He often has low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority. He finds that violence works to intimidate and control weaker people. This gives him a feeling of being in control, so he keeps using it.

Parents with strong principles often feel a great need to control their children and make them "do what is right." This need can lead to violence in religious homes. However, violence is just as common in nonreligious homes because they, too, sometimes lack effective means of control.

4. Family Background. Some family violence is learned. Abused children grow up to abuse their own families. Unless they receive other training, they treat their partners and children the only way they know, the way they learned from their own parents.

5. Isolation. In today's mobile society, people sometimes lose contact with extended family and friends who could provide emotional support. They feel trapped, not knowing where toturn for help. Violence may be a cry for help.

6. Ignorance. It is easier to abuse other persons when you don't understand their needs, capabilities and limitations. Sometimes people overlook violence because they don't know what is right or normal for a given situation. For example:

It may be all right...

• For a family member to be silent and withdrawn when tired or under heavy stress;
• For a parent to use reasonable force to restrain or discipline a child;
• For a parent to shout at a child in times of danger or in fear;
• For a parent to enter a small child's bedroom without knocking.

It is usually not all right...

• For a family member to be silent and withdrawn all or most of the time;
• For a parent to use force that causes physical or psychological damage;
• For a parent to shout at a child in anger;
• For a parent to enter a teen's bedroom without permission.

7. Immaturity. Sometimes people marry before they are ready for the stress and responsibility of family leadership. Some times teens and children are thrust into responsibilities for which they are not emotionally ready.

A twelve-year-old boy came home from summer camp and told his parents that his counsellor had been rough with him. The parents reported the incident to the police. Investigation revealed that the counsellor was himself a youth and not well-trained in handling children. The "roughness" may have been in fun, or accidental or an effort to restrain an over-active child. The police were unable to find enough factual data to establish a case, and no charges were laid.

8. Shame and Guilt. When people feel unable to fulfill responsibilities or live up to their image of what they would like to be, their feelings may surface as violence.